i'm gradually starting to get back to good ole happy jesse
i am no longer in a perpetual state of being pissed off all the time
only here and there.
For the most part I'm starting to get to a spot that is pretty comfortable
I'm still stressed beyond belief because of school and such, but i don't feel so mad all the time
My gradual change in moods in due to these things:
My friends (who are probably the most badass people ever)
Talib Kweli
Kanye West
Nas
Lupe Fiasco
Punching the punching bag at drews fraternity
Myself (not trying to boast)
i'm my biggest critic
i put myself down
i lift myself up
(i'm also a pretty big deal)
Without my friends i don't think i'd be the person i am today
They have formed and shaped me from a (somewhat) unique ball of clay to a ...badass mutha ball of clay!!!!
My friends have definitely lifted me up a lot
if a girl doesn't like me, there's nothing wrong with me, there's something wrong with her.
Her lose
There is more than one girl in the world
and like Nas says i leave 'em froze like herion in your nose
i'll leave you with that
because Nas is a badass
And i think thats one of the coolest lyrics ever hahaha
LA LATA!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
climbing the stairs
im in a perpetual state of being pissed off all the time (even if i don't show it)
when i'm around other people i put on a mask to show that i am happy so people around me won't be uncomfortable.
they're just not used to seeing happy ole jesse pissed off. you know, can't have that happen around them
i sit in my room just wanting to punch holes in the walls or break my computer or throw my phone
when i leave i put on a whole new persona so nobody knows...
i think i'm so mad because i found out the girl i liked for a pretty long time now doesn't like me like that.
don't get me wrong i love her to death still, she's still one of my best friends and probably always will be,
And i'm not pissed that she doesn't like me, i can't control that. and its cool to me that she doesn't feel like that ..its whatever
i'm pissed because, to me, it felt like she was leading me on to believe she liked me
ok well tell me this if you talked on the phone with a girl for over an hour most every night and she texted you like crazy and would call you at random times just to talk what would you think? would you think she liked you?
i know i do (maybe i'm wrong for thinking that, nobody is perfect)
But not only that, she knew i liked her for a long time too. its like what do you think you were doing when you would text me and call me just to tell me random shit?
And i went to Baltimore, Maryland for wrestling conferences and i'm pretty sure she knew i liked her then (which i didn't know she knew) and texted me and said "hey get me a sweater."
so since i liked her and me being me said "OK"
that sweater was 40 fuckin dollars! i also bout her a shirt at nationals
But she did get me a shirt from New York when she went (which also lead me to believe she liked me)
But the thing that pisses me off the most is that she knew for a long time and she knew what she was doing when she said ,"hey get me this and get me that"
To me, it felt like she was taking advantage of me and my feelings.......
i don't know, maybe she didn't realize what she was doing....
i keep trying to convince myself that i'm happy but i know i could break something or somebody into two if i wanted to....
i hate being this way
i'm usually pretty good at controlling my emotions, but right now its seems like the emotions are controlling me, and i can't stand it
i don't understand how one fucking girl can make somebody feel so shitty and so pissed off at the same time
why do all girls just want attention? "hey look at me, buy me this! Get me this! get me that! fuck me here! Don't touch that! I'm so glad i met you, i really care about what you think about me..Oh thanks for buying me this and that but i just want to be friends."
why do you women have to be so complicated!!
i just want one of you that doesn't lead me on and doesn't tell me to buy them things (knowing i like you) and say i just want to be friends after i spend like 70 bucks on your ungrateful ass...
i don't know i'm trying so hard right now to think of something else and to convince myself she's one of my best friends
Don't let your anger and emotions take you over and hinder this friendship.........
Because thats all you got left.....
when i'm around other people i put on a mask to show that i am happy so people around me won't be uncomfortable.
they're just not used to seeing happy ole jesse pissed off. you know, can't have that happen around them
i sit in my room just wanting to punch holes in the walls or break my computer or throw my phone
when i leave i put on a whole new persona so nobody knows...
i think i'm so mad because i found out the girl i liked for a pretty long time now doesn't like me like that.
don't get me wrong i love her to death still, she's still one of my best friends and probably always will be,
And i'm not pissed that she doesn't like me, i can't control that. and its cool to me that she doesn't feel like that ..its whatever
i'm pissed because, to me, it felt like she was leading me on to believe she liked me
ok well tell me this if you talked on the phone with a girl for over an hour most every night and she texted you like crazy and would call you at random times just to talk what would you think? would you think she liked you?
i know i do (maybe i'm wrong for thinking that, nobody is perfect)
But not only that, she knew i liked her for a long time too. its like what do you think you were doing when you would text me and call me just to tell me random shit?
And i went to Baltimore, Maryland for wrestling conferences and i'm pretty sure she knew i liked her then (which i didn't know she knew) and texted me and said "hey get me a sweater."
so since i liked her and me being me said "OK"
that sweater was 40 fuckin dollars! i also bout her a shirt at nationals
But she did get me a shirt from New York when she went (which also lead me to believe she liked me)
But the thing that pisses me off the most is that she knew for a long time and she knew what she was doing when she said ,"hey get me this and get me that"
To me, it felt like she was taking advantage of me and my feelings.......
i don't know, maybe she didn't realize what she was doing....
i keep trying to convince myself that i'm happy but i know i could break something or somebody into two if i wanted to....
i hate being this way
i'm usually pretty good at controlling my emotions, but right now its seems like the emotions are controlling me, and i can't stand it
i don't understand how one fucking girl can make somebody feel so shitty and so pissed off at the same time
why do all girls just want attention? "hey look at me, buy me this! Get me this! get me that! fuck me here! Don't touch that! I'm so glad i met you, i really care about what you think about me..Oh thanks for buying me this and that but i just want to be friends."
why do you women have to be so complicated!!
i just want one of you that doesn't lead me on and doesn't tell me to buy them things (knowing i like you) and say i just want to be friends after i spend like 70 bucks on your ungrateful ass...
i don't know i'm trying so hard right now to think of something else and to convince myself she's one of my best friends
Don't let your anger and emotions take you over and hinder this friendship.........
Because thats all you got left.....
Monday, January 14, 2008
Everything is this and that...
"Life is a rollercoaster"...... "Life is what you make it"....Well if life is a rollercoaster and it is what i make it, I must of made a hell of a rollercoaster. I just keep going up and down and I'm not slowing my speed at all.FULL SPEED AHEAD BABY!...
Sometimes Full speed ahead isn't always good..it can make you very stressful and tired, yet I still find myself not getting a wink of sleep; just laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling or looking at the wall or sitting up looking, not watching, just looking at whats on the T.V., blankley...There are just some things in life that seem to be so hard it just makes me want to explode, and sometimes I feel like I am exploding. I know life isn't supposed to be easy..well for some people it's a lot easier than for others. Sometimes I just sit and wonder what am I doing with my life? why did you place me on this earth God? what is my purpose? I might just be impatient, or curious, but I just wish things weren't so damn hard all the time! Cause on my rollercoaster of life, I'm headed straight for an upsidedown loop, going faster and faster every inch without a seatbelt, and I just hope and pray i don't fall out....
Sometimes Full speed ahead isn't always good..it can make you very stressful and tired, yet I still find myself not getting a wink of sleep; just laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling or looking at the wall or sitting up looking, not watching, just looking at whats on the T.V., blankley...There are just some things in life that seem to be so hard it just makes me want to explode, and sometimes I feel like I am exploding. I know life isn't supposed to be easy..well for some people it's a lot easier than for others. Sometimes I just sit and wonder what am I doing with my life? why did you place me on this earth God? what is my purpose? I might just be impatient, or curious, but I just wish things weren't so damn hard all the time! Cause on my rollercoaster of life, I'm headed straight for an upsidedown loop, going faster and faster every inch without a seatbelt, and I just hope and pray i don't fall out....
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