climbing the stairs

im in a perpetual state of being pissed off all the time (even if i don't show it)
when i'm around other people i put on a mask to show that i am happy so people around me won't be uncomfortable.
they're just not used to seeing happy ole jesse pissed off. you know, can't have that happen around them
i sit in my room just wanting to punch holes in the walls or break my computer or throw my phone
when i leave i put on a whole new persona so nobody knows...

i think i'm so mad because i found out the girl i liked for a pretty long time now doesn't like me like that.
don't get me wrong i love her to death still, she's still one of my best friends and probably always will be,
And i'm not pissed that she doesn't like me, i can't control that. and its cool to me that she doesn't feel like that ..its whatever
i'm pissed because, to me, it felt like she was leading me on to believe she liked me

ok well tell me this if you talked on the phone with a girl for over an hour most every night and she texted you like crazy and would call you at random times just to talk what would you think? would you think she liked you?
i know i do (maybe i'm wrong for thinking that, nobody is perfect)

But not only that, she knew i liked her for a long time too. its like what do you think you were doing when you would text me and call me just to tell me random shit?

And i went to Baltimore, Maryland for wrestling conferences and i'm pretty sure she knew i liked her then (which i didn't know she knew) and texted me and said "hey get me a sweater."
so since i liked her and me being me said "OK"
that sweater was 40 fuckin dollars! i also bout her a shirt at nationals

But she did get me a shirt from New York when she went (which also lead me to believe she liked me)

But the thing that pisses me off the most is that she knew for a long time and she knew what she was doing when she said ,"hey get me this and get me that"

To me, it felt like she was taking advantage of me and my feelings.......

i don't know, maybe she didn't realize what she was doing....

i keep trying to convince myself that i'm happy but i know i could break something or somebody into two if i wanted to....
i hate being this way
i'm usually pretty good at controlling my emotions, but right now its seems like the emotions are controlling me, and i can't stand it
i don't understand how one fucking girl can make somebody feel so shitty and so pissed off at the same time

why do all girls just want attention? "hey look at me, buy me this! Get me this! get me that! fuck me here! Don't touch that! I'm so glad i met you, i really care about what you think about me..Oh thanks for buying me this and that but i just want to be friends."
why do you women have to be so complicated!!
i just want one of you that doesn't lead me on and doesn't tell me to buy them things (knowing i like you) and say i just want to be friends after i spend like 70 bucks on your ungrateful ass...

i don't know i'm trying so hard right now to think of something else and to convince myself she's one of my best friends

Don't let your anger and emotions take you over and hinder this friendship.........
Because thats all you got left.....